Sunday, July 22, 2012
My Purpose/His Plan?
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart Be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my strength and my Redeemer. Psalm 19:14 NKJV
It's been a while since I've felt compelled to write anything at all. I'm in a place of limbo, or so it seems. Ideas present themselves that seem good, but none have panned out so far so I guess either I'm misreading things or GOD doesn't see me as ready yet. I've been trying, sometimes successfully & sometimes not, to move forward with my life. I never anticipated I'd be in this place--at least not at this point in my life. I've started dating again & well, it's complicated. While I enjoy having companionship, sharing dinner, seeing a movie, etc., I feel far from ready for anything near an exclusive, committed, serious relationship.
I still have a lot of work to do on myself, with GOD's help of course. I don't know yet what GOD has in store for me. I wait. I pray. I wait some more. Still, nothing seems to materialize. It's a struggle because more than anything, I want to live a life that reflects the love of GOD. I desire to contribute, to make a difference--yet, no doors seem to open for me. Is my future here, where I currently live or does GOD have other plans for me elsewhere? Does some ministry exist that I am to fill or have I attained all that I will in this life? Will I live out the remainder of my life alone or will GOD bring someone into my life at some point to share this journey?
These questions and a multitude of others plague my mind. Satan taunts me--telling me I don't matter, that I'm not worthy, that GOD can't use me because of my past. I know these are lies but when GOD seems silent, my humanity begins to question both my purpose and His plan. I look to The Word & see "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope" (Jeremiah 29:11 NKJV). I know in my heart GOD cannot lie & that satan is the father of lies, yet I feel somewhat purposeless as I wait.
GOD help me to see through Your eyes, to hear with Your ears. Grant me the wisdom & discernment to know Your perfect Will and to follow where You lead in complete submission and obedience. Truly let my words and thoughts be acceptable in your sight and allow me to be a reflection of You in all I say & do while I'm waiting.
This is where I find myself for now. I'd appreciate the prayers of GOD's people.
Blessings!
Tony
Monday, April 30, 2012
Still Grieving, A Year Later...
I have set the Lord always before me; Because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved. Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices; My flesh also will rest in hope. For You will not leave my soul in Sheol, Nor will You allow Your Holy One to see corruption. You will show me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore. Psalm 16:8-11 NKJV
It's been almost a year now since I lost my wife. There are still struggles, although I can now say the meltdowns are less frequent & I enjoy more good days than bad. Still the same, I miss Dee--memories of her seem to exist everywhere. Recently, I heard a song by one of her favorite artists & it brought tears to my eyes. Mail still comes in her name & is a constant reminder of her absence from my life & home.
I often reflect on our life together--how we met, the things that drew us together, how we fell in love despite both our efforts not to. As the relationship grew and became more intense, we made a pact to wait until we were married to "consummate" our relationship. We had both gone about things the wrong way in our first marriages & wanted to do things right and honor GOD this time around. It made for some difficult times & I took a lot of cold showers, but we waited. Many of our friends were suprised--some couldn't see why we'd wait. After all, we'd both been married before & what if "it" wasn't satisfying for us? We were confident that GOD had brought us together & He wouldn't disappoint us in that area either. For the record, we were not disappointed in any way. TMI, maybe...
We enjoyed doing everything together. We traveled, went camping & hiking, spent time with both our families. We shopped together, attended church together, sang in the choir together--our lives were completely intermeshed in every possible way. Her death was premature & unexpected even though she'd had multiple health problems. I simply wasn't ready to let her go. My world was turned upside down, I felt betrayed and abandoned by GOD. I was angry that He'd let her die--it wasn't supposed to be that way. We were supposed to grow old together...
I'm trying to let go & move forward with my life, but it's not an easy thing to do. It took me a week to clean out her closet--I'd work a while & break down a while, then work more once I collected myself. I've given a few items of her jewelry to some of her family members but can't part with the rest yet. Sadly, I still have a bottle of her perfume that I open & smell now & then for the sake of memories. I find myself wanting to call & talk with her although I know I can't.
Yet, I know GOD will carry me through. I know He has a plan for the remainder of my life but I don't know yet what it is. A lot of the bad in my life has been brought on by my own bad choices, some by the choices of others and some purely unavoidable. Don't get me wrong, I've had a lot of good in my life as well--but the bad seems to be he only thing on my mind right now. I'm waiting for the joy to come, for the mourning to end. I know it will, it's just a matter of time--His...
I still covet your prayers.
Blessings!
Tony
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Changed?
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. 2 Corinthians 5:17 NKJV
I've come to realize that everything in life changes with time. Some things change rapidly & randomly in our day-to-day lives. Other things change slowly--we age, our children grow & with that our families grow with the addition of their spouses & children. People are born & people pass away. I've seen many changes during my life--advances in technology & medicine, changes in leadership of companies & countries. It's true--everything, but GOD, does change.
The things we see as a constant really are not. All things of earth are temporary--only the eternal will last forever. That being said, have we had a true change of heart in salvation? Do we worship Him in spirit and in truth? Scripture tells us that if we are "in Christ" that all things are made new. In order to be "in Christ", we must have a personal relationship with Him--not a one-time sinner's prayer, but a daily fellowship with our Lord & Savior.
Is that where we are, or do we just go through the motions & play church? People see what we do & that can be a great testimony for GOD, but GOD knows the heart so He knows what our motive is for what we do. If we do things to be seen by man, we have our reward in the here & now. If we do them with a humble heart, seeking to please & praise our Creator, we are storing up rewards in the heavenlies where we will live eternally with Him.
Have you been truly changed? If so, you are "in Christ" and all things are made new--the old has passed away so don't dwell on the past. GOD has forgiven & forgotten it. We need to do the same. If you've not experienced this real change in your heart, seek Him and you will find Him. Be forever changed!
Blessings!
Tony
I've come to realize that everything in life changes with time. Some things change rapidly & randomly in our day-to-day lives. Other things change slowly--we age, our children grow & with that our families grow with the addition of their spouses & children. People are born & people pass away. I've seen many changes during my life--advances in technology & medicine, changes in leadership of companies & countries. It's true--everything, but GOD, does change.
The things we see as a constant really are not. All things of earth are temporary--only the eternal will last forever. That being said, have we had a true change of heart in salvation? Do we worship Him in spirit and in truth? Scripture tells us that if we are "in Christ" that all things are made new. In order to be "in Christ", we must have a personal relationship with Him--not a one-time sinner's prayer, but a daily fellowship with our Lord & Savior.
Is that where we are, or do we just go through the motions & play church? People see what we do & that can be a great testimony for GOD, but GOD knows the heart so He knows what our motive is for what we do. If we do things to be seen by man, we have our reward in the here & now. If we do them with a humble heart, seeking to please & praise our Creator, we are storing up rewards in the heavenlies where we will live eternally with Him.
Have you been truly changed? If so, you are "in Christ" and all things are made new--the old has passed away so don't dwell on the past. GOD has forgiven & forgotten it. We need to do the same. If you've not experienced this real change in your heart, seek Him and you will find Him. Be forever changed!
Blessings!
Tony
Saturday, January 14, 2012
A Glimpse into Heaven's Throne Room
And it shall come to pass afterward That I will pour out My Spirit on all flesh; Your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, Your old men shall dream dreams, Your young men shall see visions. And also on My menservants and on My maidservants I will pour out My Spirit in those days. Joel 2:28-29 NKJV
OK, some people will think I'm nuts--but then, a lot of people already do. However, no one can deny what another person experiences & I recently had a deeply spiritual experience...
This past Thursday night, after a particularly unusual day--I got myself ready for bed and as I lay in bed saying my evening prayers, something extraordinary happened. I was going through my list of requests with GOD, naming off those I wished to come to salvation and those who needed healing and/or comfort in their lives. Suddenly, it was as if the roof of my house was lifted away & I was looking into the night sky. The clouds parted and in the distance I could see a massive throne. On that throne a figure was seated but I was unable to make out any features or determine any colors in the room because it was completely awash in brilliant, white light. As I squinted to look, I could see the source of the light was to my left--the righthand side of the throne. It was like the sun, only pure, white and it emmitted no heat. There were other figures moving about as if flying--I assumed to be angels. Their movement was slow & graceful and everything was calm and peaceful there.
Then just as suddenly as it began, the clouds closed up and in the diminishing light, I realized I was not alone. Standing beside me, to my left, was a female figure--a brunette with hair & facial features similar to Princess Diana. Was that to tell me an angel is watching over me? Was it telling me there is a woman out there GOD intends to be part of my life at some point in the future? I really don't know. All I know is what I saw and I believe that in response to my prayers that GOD would make Himself real to me, He opened up the Heavens just long enough to give me a brief glimpse and see Him on the throne--with Jesus, the light of the world, standing at His right hand.
The Bible says dreams & visions are real. I can't say I'd ever given much thought to them until now, but if it happened with the prophets of old and with those in Jesus' time, it can and does still happen today. God, nor His Word, are subject to change...
Blessings,
Tony
OK, some people will think I'm nuts--but then, a lot of people already do. However, no one can deny what another person experiences & I recently had a deeply spiritual experience...
This past Thursday night, after a particularly unusual day--I got myself ready for bed and as I lay in bed saying my evening prayers, something extraordinary happened. I was going through my list of requests with GOD, naming off those I wished to come to salvation and those who needed healing and/or comfort in their lives. Suddenly, it was as if the roof of my house was lifted away & I was looking into the night sky. The clouds parted and in the distance I could see a massive throne. On that throne a figure was seated but I was unable to make out any features or determine any colors in the room because it was completely awash in brilliant, white light. As I squinted to look, I could see the source of the light was to my left--the righthand side of the throne. It was like the sun, only pure, white and it emmitted no heat. There were other figures moving about as if flying--I assumed to be angels. Their movement was slow & graceful and everything was calm and peaceful there.
Then just as suddenly as it began, the clouds closed up and in the diminishing light, I realized I was not alone. Standing beside me, to my left, was a female figure--a brunette with hair & facial features similar to Princess Diana. Was that to tell me an angel is watching over me? Was it telling me there is a woman out there GOD intends to be part of my life at some point in the future? I really don't know. All I know is what I saw and I believe that in response to my prayers that GOD would make Himself real to me, He opened up the Heavens just long enough to give me a brief glimpse and see Him on the throne--with Jesus, the light of the world, standing at His right hand.
The Bible says dreams & visions are real. I can't say I'd ever given much thought to them until now, but if it happened with the prophets of old and with those in Jesus' time, it can and does still happen today. God, nor His Word, are subject to change...
Blessings,
Tony
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Our "Unchangeable" GOD...
For I am the Lord, I do not change; Micah 3:6a NKJV
Life is full of changes. No one knows that better than I do. Granted, many of the changes in my life--whether good or bad--have been the result of my own actions/decisions/choices. Some have been forced on me by the actions & choices of others. Others still were simply part of the life process involving the living & dying, working & toiling, teaching & learning of those I share this life with. Regardless as to how they came about, GOD has seen fit to use them to make me who I am.
Assuming my life on this earth continues (for none of us are guaranteed tomorrow) and Jesus doesn't return right away, I'm certain to see more changes come my way and to witness changes in the lives of my family & friends as well. Some will be pleasant and good, some will be painful & difficult. That is simply how life is. We can't stop the world from turning day by day or hit the pause button to keep things just as they are when we are comfortable & happy. If only we could, I'd surely rewind to happier times and pause there and I'm certain many others would as well...
Fortunately, we serve a GOD who does not change. He is Who He is, Who He was, and Who He always will be as referenced in the initial Scripture. His mercies and grace are new and fresh each day. That is the reason He allows us to continue on our often wayward paths in life, those times we are disobedient and defiant. Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not. (Lamentations 3:22) He is ever faithful to us--even though we are often unfaithful ourselves--because of his great love for us. Who redeems your life from destruction, Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies, Who satisfies your mouth with good things, So that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. (Psalm 103:4-5)
As for me, I am thankful for GOD's "unchangeability"--for were I Him, I'd have grown tired of me a long time ago and probably have taken me out of this old world. I know He has to become exasperated with me at times, yet His love is constant and unchanging. When I fail (or fall) He gently and lovingly picks my up and puts me on the right road again. He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, Out of the miry clay, And set my feet upon a rock, And established my steps. (Psalm 40:2) A fella just can't ask for much more than that...
Blessings!
Tony
Life is full of changes. No one knows that better than I do. Granted, many of the changes in my life--whether good or bad--have been the result of my own actions/decisions/choices. Some have been forced on me by the actions & choices of others. Others still were simply part of the life process involving the living & dying, working & toiling, teaching & learning of those I share this life with. Regardless as to how they came about, GOD has seen fit to use them to make me who I am.
Assuming my life on this earth continues (for none of us are guaranteed tomorrow) and Jesus doesn't return right away, I'm certain to see more changes come my way and to witness changes in the lives of my family & friends as well. Some will be pleasant and good, some will be painful & difficult. That is simply how life is. We can't stop the world from turning day by day or hit the pause button to keep things just as they are when we are comfortable & happy. If only we could, I'd surely rewind to happier times and pause there and I'm certain many others would as well...
Fortunately, we serve a GOD who does not change. He is Who He is, Who He was, and Who He always will be as referenced in the initial Scripture. His mercies and grace are new and fresh each day. That is the reason He allows us to continue on our often wayward paths in life, those times we are disobedient and defiant. Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not. (Lamentations 3:22) He is ever faithful to us--even though we are often unfaithful ourselves--because of his great love for us. Who redeems your life from destruction, Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies, Who satisfies your mouth with good things, So that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. (Psalm 103:4-5)
As for me, I am thankful for GOD's "unchangeability"--for were I Him, I'd have grown tired of me a long time ago and probably have taken me out of this old world. I know He has to become exasperated with me at times, yet His love is constant and unchanging. When I fail (or fall) He gently and lovingly picks my up and puts me on the right road again. He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, Out of the miry clay, And set my feet upon a rock, And established my steps. (Psalm 40:2) A fella just can't ask for much more than that...
Blessings!
Tony
Sunday, January 1, 2012
"Waiting" in the New Year
Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord! Psalm 27:14 NKJV
Well, it's here--it's 2012, a new year is upon us. Whatever might it hold in store? I, for one, am happy to say farewell to 2011--it was not good to me. My life changed drastically last May when my sweet bride, the love of my life, passed away. Many of my hopes and dreams died along with her.
I'm not bitter, but my life seems to lack direction these days. I drift along like a ship blown about by the winds, seemingly with no particular destination. I read my Bible, I pray, I seek GOD daily. Still, He seems to say "Wait"--something I personally don't do well. Wait? Wait for what? God, You know--I'm not getting any younger here. If I am to do anything with my life, if I am to make a difference for You in this world--I need a goal, a destination, a mission of some sort. GOD, are You there? Can You hear me? Do I matter? Do You care?
Silly me! Of course You're there. You care. I matter...and You hear me fine. But, wait...? I'm trying, Lord--I really am. Although I often procrastinate, I'm accustomed to having some goal, some deadline. Waiting is difficult for me. Can't we speed up the process a bit? Can't You slam doors shut or swing some open wide so I know what the next step is? I know, I know--still You tell me to wait...
So, I wait, and I trust, and I hope. My hope truly is in You, Lord. Your Word tells me in Isaiah (40:31) "But those who wait on the Lord Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint." Renew me and strengthen me, Lord. Show me Your way.
I am not overcome with worry. I am not fearful of what the future holds. "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. (Psalm 23:4) I simply desire purpose in my life. Show me Your Will and Way, oh Lord. I trust You to meet my needs, but I desire to serve You. My prayer is simply that You will use me as a willing vessel to show others the way to You.
Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Thou art the Potter, I am the clay.
Mold me and make me after Thy will,
While I am waiting, yielded and still.
Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Search me and try me, Master, today!
Whiter than snow, Lord, wash me just now,
As in Thy presence humbly I bow.
Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Wounded and weary, help me, I pray!
Power, all power, surely is Thine!
Touch me and heal me, Savior divine.
Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Hold o’er my being absolute sway!
Fill with Thy Spirit ’till all shall see
Christ only, always, living in me.
This is where I am for now--yielded and waiting for GOD to reveal His plan for my life to me. I would appreciate the prayers of my friends & family while I wait...
Blessings!
Tony
Well, it's here--it's 2012, a new year is upon us. Whatever might it hold in store? I, for one, am happy to say farewell to 2011--it was not good to me. My life changed drastically last May when my sweet bride, the love of my life, passed away. Many of my hopes and dreams died along with her.
I'm not bitter, but my life seems to lack direction these days. I drift along like a ship blown about by the winds, seemingly with no particular destination. I read my Bible, I pray, I seek GOD daily. Still, He seems to say "Wait"--something I personally don't do well. Wait? Wait for what? God, You know--I'm not getting any younger here. If I am to do anything with my life, if I am to make a difference for You in this world--I need a goal, a destination, a mission of some sort. GOD, are You there? Can You hear me? Do I matter? Do You care?
Silly me! Of course You're there. You care. I matter...and You hear me fine. But, wait...? I'm trying, Lord--I really am. Although I often procrastinate, I'm accustomed to having some goal, some deadline. Waiting is difficult for me. Can't we speed up the process a bit? Can't You slam doors shut or swing some open wide so I know what the next step is? I know, I know--still You tell me to wait...
So, I wait, and I trust, and I hope. My hope truly is in You, Lord. Your Word tells me in Isaiah (40:31) "But those who wait on the Lord Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint." Renew me and strengthen me, Lord. Show me Your way.
I am not overcome with worry. I am not fearful of what the future holds. "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. (Psalm 23:4) I simply desire purpose in my life. Show me Your Will and Way, oh Lord. I trust You to meet my needs, but I desire to serve You. My prayer is simply that You will use me as a willing vessel to show others the way to You.
Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Thou art the Potter, I am the clay.
Mold me and make me after Thy will,
While I am waiting, yielded and still.
Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Search me and try me, Master, today!
Whiter than snow, Lord, wash me just now,
As in Thy presence humbly I bow.
Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Wounded and weary, help me, I pray!
Power, all power, surely is Thine!
Touch me and heal me, Savior divine.
Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Hold o’er my being absolute sway!
Fill with Thy Spirit ’till all shall see
Christ only, always, living in me.
This is where I am for now--yielded and waiting for GOD to reveal His plan for my life to me. I would appreciate the prayers of my friends & family while I wait...
Blessings!
Tony
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Joseph--husband of Mary, the mother of Jesus...
Now the birth of Jesus Christ was as follows: After His mother Mary was betrothed to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Spirit. Then Joseph her husband, being a just man, and not wanting to make her a public example, was minded to put her away secretly. But while he thought about these things, behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying, "Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take to you Mary your wife, for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Spirit. And she will bring forth a Son, and you shall call His name Jesus, for He will save His people from their sins." So all this was done that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the Lord through the prophet, saying: "Behold, the virgin shall be with child, and bear a Son, and they shall call His name Immanuel," which is translated, "God with us." Then Joseph, being aroused from sleep, did as the angel of the Lord commanded him and took to him his wife, and did not know her till she had brought forth her firstborn Son. And he called His name Jesus. Matthew 1:18-24 NKJV
I've been thinking some about Joseph lately as I prepared for the celebration of CHRISTmas. I've decided the man has been somewhat short-changed. We all know him as the earthly (step)father of Jesus but he really was a humble & godly man.
Think about it--he & Mary weren't married & he knew they had not been intimate so there was no chance the child she was carrying was his own. Imagine that--your fiancee is pregnant & you're not the father. Joseph & Mary lived in a time that was more then simply scandalous--that type of thing was not accepted and more than an embarassment. I'm sure they both endured much ridicule & were the subject of tremendous gossip. No wonder he considered "putting her away" to avoid bringing shame on either of them.
Yet, when the angel visited him and made him aware that Mary was indeed carrying the child of GOD and instructed him to take Mary as his wife--he obeyed. He did this knowing what people would think & say. He subjected himself to much in order to be obedient to GOD. Not only that, but after taking her as his wife--he restrained himself from "knowing her" sexually, until after the child was born that she would retain her virginal status.
Later, Joseph was visted again by an angel and instructed to flee to Egypt in order to protect the child from evil King Herrod. Again, he obeyed and did as instructed. When it was safe for them to return, yet another angel appeared to him to make him aware that they could in fact return to Israel. Joseph was visited multiple times by GOD's messengers. I take that to mean he was in tune, so to speak, with GOD--otherwise he wouldn't have been privy to those angelic visitations. GOD only communicates with those who know him. What a reward he got for his obedience--he got to raise the Son of GOD in his home. There is no mention of Joseph beyond Jesus' twelfth year. It is assumed that he died relatively young but what a reward he must have received at his heavenly homecoming!
Oh that I might be more of a Joseph! GOD--grant me the wisdom to be the humble, obedient, godly man that he was. Give me the strength and fortitude to endure whatever comes my way in this life that I might also bring honor to your name through my unworthy efforts.
Much has happened--much that is beyond my control--in many ways, I feel robbed, although I know that among men--I am truly blessed if for no other reason than that I am GOD's child and my future is secure in His hands.
Blessings!
Tony
I've been thinking some about Joseph lately as I prepared for the celebration of CHRISTmas. I've decided the man has been somewhat short-changed. We all know him as the earthly (step)father of Jesus but he really was a humble & godly man.
Think about it--he & Mary weren't married & he knew they had not been intimate so there was no chance the child she was carrying was his own. Imagine that--your fiancee is pregnant & you're not the father. Joseph & Mary lived in a time that was more then simply scandalous--that type of thing was not accepted and more than an embarassment. I'm sure they both endured much ridicule & were the subject of tremendous gossip. No wonder he considered "putting her away" to avoid bringing shame on either of them.
Yet, when the angel visited him and made him aware that Mary was indeed carrying the child of GOD and instructed him to take Mary as his wife--he obeyed. He did this knowing what people would think & say. He subjected himself to much in order to be obedient to GOD. Not only that, but after taking her as his wife--he restrained himself from "knowing her" sexually, until after the child was born that she would retain her virginal status.
Later, Joseph was visted again by an angel and instructed to flee to Egypt in order to protect the child from evil King Herrod. Again, he obeyed and did as instructed. When it was safe for them to return, yet another angel appeared to him to make him aware that they could in fact return to Israel. Joseph was visited multiple times by GOD's messengers. I take that to mean he was in tune, so to speak, with GOD--otherwise he wouldn't have been privy to those angelic visitations. GOD only communicates with those who know him. What a reward he got for his obedience--he got to raise the Son of GOD in his home. There is no mention of Joseph beyond Jesus' twelfth year. It is assumed that he died relatively young but what a reward he must have received at his heavenly homecoming!
Oh that I might be more of a Joseph! GOD--grant me the wisdom to be the humble, obedient, godly man that he was. Give me the strength and fortitude to endure whatever comes my way in this life that I might also bring honor to your name through my unworthy efforts.
Much has happened--much that is beyond my control--in many ways, I feel robbed, although I know that among men--I am truly blessed if for no other reason than that I am GOD's child and my future is secure in His hands.
Blessings!
Tony
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