Still Grieving, A Year Later...

I have set the Lord always before me; Because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved. Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices; My flesh also will rest in hope. For You will not leave my soul in Sheol, Nor will You allow Your Holy One to see corruption. You will show me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore. Psalm 16:8-11 NKJV It's been almost a year now since I lost my wife. There are still struggles, although I can now say the meltdowns are less frequent & I enjoy more good days than bad. Still the same, I miss Dee--memories of her seem to exist everywhere. Recently, I heard a song by one of her favorite artists & it brought tears to my eyes. Mail still comes in her name & is a constant reminder of her absence from my life & home. I often reflect on our life together--how we met, the things that drew us together, how we fell in love despite both our efforts not to. As the relationship grew and became more intense, we made a pact to wait until we were married to "consummate" our relationship. We had both gone about things the wrong way in our first marriages & wanted to do things right and honor GOD this time around. It made for some difficult times & I took a lot of cold showers, but we waited. Many of our friends were suprised--some couldn't see why we'd wait. After all, we'd both been married before & what if "it" wasn't satisfying for us? We were confident that GOD had brought us together & He wouldn't disappoint us in that area either. For the record, we were not disappointed in any way. TMI, maybe... We enjoyed doing everything together. We traveled, went camping & hiking, spent time with both our families. We shopped together, attended church together, sang in the choir together--our lives were completely intermeshed in every possible way. Her death was premature & unexpected even though she'd had multiple health problems. I simply wasn't ready to let her go. My world was turned upside down, I felt betrayed and abandoned by GOD. I was angry that He'd let her die--it wasn't supposed to be that way. We were supposed to grow old together... I'm trying to let go & move forward with my life, but it's not an easy thing to do. It took me a week to clean out her closet--I'd work a while & break down a while, then work more once I collected myself. I've given a few items of her jewelry to some of her family members but can't part with the rest yet. Sadly, I still have a bottle of her perfume that I open & smell now & then for the sake of memories. I find myself wanting to call & talk with her although I know I can't. Yet, I know GOD will carry me through. I know He has a plan for the remainder of my life but I don't know yet what it is. A lot of the bad in my life has been brought on by my own bad choices, some by the choices of others and some purely unavoidable. Don't get me wrong, I've had a lot of good in my life as well--but the bad seems to be he only thing on my mind right now. I'm waiting for the joy to come, for the mourning to end. I know it will, it's just a matter of time--His... I still covet your prayers. Blessings! Tony