And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away. Revelation 21:4 NKJV
I've come to the conclusion that grief is a process--there is no on/off switch. However, no two people grieve the same. GOD created us as individuals--with varying characteristics, talents and abilities. Therefore, life events, such as the loss of a loved one, affect each of us differently.
For me, there are days I feel strong and social and others when I prefer to isolate myself so I can mourn privately. Upon returning home after Dee's funeral, I was immediately and undoubtedly in a state of depression. For the first few days, I had what I termed "meltdown moments" when raw emotion would consume me for unspecified periods of time. I went several days without concern for my appearance or my well-being--I neither shaved, showered or ate. This was my time of intense mourning.
Many people visited, called, brought food, sent cards--all offering their condolences, but I was unable to be consoled. I had been absolutely certain GOD would restore my wife to me as He had done in the past. When she died, I felt hurt, betrayed and abandoned by GOD--my faith was truly shaken. I called out to GOD seeking answers and expressing my anger for His having allowed her to die.
I was reminded of a couple of incidents that had occurred. I was sure they were meant to warn and prepare me for her homegoing. About two weeks prior to Dee's death, I had a dream in which I was getting my clothes for the day out of our Master Bedroom closet. Dee's clothes were always in that closet and mine were in the guest room closet. She always loved clothes & shoes, so there was no room in "our" closet for my clothes. For my clothes to be there would mean her's no longer were...
Also, the night before Dee's funeral--I had great difficulty sleeping. As I lay there, I prayed to GOD to grant me peace and rest. Otherwise, I knew I would never be able to deal with the entire funeral process. Miraculously, I drifted off to sleep only to awaken some hours later singing--yes, singing the song "Marvelous Grace of Jesus." I knew that was GOD's way of comforting and reassuring me that His grace was all sufficient for even me--as the song goes. I heard a radio preacher say "Mercy responds to a cry for help" and GOD had done just that for me.
I've accepted Dee's death as GOD's Will. I am grateful for the time she & I had together. She was my soulmate. We did everything together so her passing has left a hole in my heart and life, but I know she is happy and whole and in the presence of our Saviour. If I had the ability to wish her back, it would be to the state she lived in for the last two years of her life & that simply wouldn't be fair to her. I still have occasional meltdowns and I still have days I prefer to be alone. The mourning process is ongoing and I have no idea how long it will last but through it all, GOD is my strength. He gives me what I need as I need it in order to endure.
I'm grateful for the thoughtfulness and prayers of my friends & family during my time of loss. Oh, and by the way--I have showered, shaved & eaten--so, it's safe to be around me now...
Blessings!
Tony
